(2nd Entry for Kaity’s one year anniversary week)

To Everyone,
Thank you so much for continuing to visit. I find it so heartwarming to hear that this journal has touched a few lives and I hope it continues to do so.

Let’s see…where was I? Oh yes, excruciating nerve pain followed by Cervical surgery, pain meds…which did nothing but make me sleep and cry… A drastic change in job assignments…which I haven’t written about…a reckless driving, in debt to his eyeballs, testosterone filled 20 year old son, and my daughter’s one year Angel Anniversary. That pretty much covers the major problems.

Some of you have read my entire journal so you will probably remember this entry. It was posted last August, 2004:

Brian and I returned home Thursday evening to instantly notice how many blooms were hanging on the Moon Flower bush. There were 12 beautiful blooms but since Kaity was 13 we knew that we had to be missing one. We frantically recounted but still only found 12. Brian paused and said, “Honey what is today?” Of course I was oblivious to the date so he told me, “Today is the 12th.”

There was more to this story and I didn’t tell you exactly what happened. I left out a huge detail because I was not quite sure how I could explain in the right words where non-gardeners would understand. To be perfectly honest, I didn’t believe it myself and it has taken an entire year of evaluation on my part. After this years batch of Moonflowers, I knew I had to try and explain.

Moonflowers are somewhat like Daylilies. Daylilies derived their name because they only bloom for one day and then another comes along to take their place. Moonflowers are also much like petunias. They bloom one day then they start to wilt, and if you don’t de-head them, they will stop producing flowers. Moonflowers are a little bit like roses too! They have a bud that sits for a few days and finally that bud will open to show its beauty.

I was so anxious to see the Moonflowers again this year because I had to see if what they did on August 11 and 12th, 2004 would happen again. I had thought about it for an entire year and my main goal was to “recreate” what I saw, but it didn’t happen. Lord knows I tried!

I watched the Moonflowers every single day last year and even more so this year. The end of a Moonflower pod will open and each day the bloom works its way out a little farther. Around the 3rd or 4th day the bloom will open in the evening. The next day the sun will hit the bloom and it will wilt over and hang lifeless. One day of beauty…that’s all you get!

Each day I go out and pluck the old blooms off and you can clearly count the new ones that will be opening that night. You can tell because they slowly work their way out of their pod until they are approximately four inches long. Those are the ones that you can count on blooming!

Last year, on August 11th, 2004, Kaity had been gone two days. We had already had a special day on the 9th when nine flowers bloomed. The 10th was uneventful with only a few blooms and the 11th followed suit with an uneventful amount. The week was very busy with the funeral so on the 11th I didn’t make it outside, like I do every morning to pluck off the old blooms. When Brian and I returned the evening of the 12th after visitation at the funeral home, we counted the flowers and there were 12! You’ve heard this story but what you didn’t know was I had left the wilted blooms from the night before. I do not remember the total that was left hanging and sadly I did not write it down, but with the wilted flowers there were a total of twelve blooms.

I ran for the phone and called my best friend Donna. I was so excited and I told her, “Donna, some of the flowers re-bloomed from last night and now there are a total of twelve!” Brian was with me and heard the conversation, but just like Donna, neither of them seemed impressed that some of these flowers had re-bloomed. Aggravated with their lack of excitement, I didn’t write about it, but I knew in my heart what I saw.

No one else had watched the flowers like I had and I know there were wilted ones that were left behind from the previous night. Upon closer inspection I remember seeing that indeed the wilted ones were more of brown color and not as pure white as they had been the night before but nevertheless they had re-bloomed. I simply was not sure what to make of it. I thought it was phenomenal but no one else seemed to be impressed, so I left the matter alone and chucked it up as an explained moment. I wish now I had written about it, but I did not.

A year has since passed but thoughts of the Moonflowers have always been in the back of mind and I could not wait until spring of 2005 to see if what happened was delusional grief or a true Angel moment. I waited patiently for the new batch of flowers and finally this summer they started to bloom again.

This year I planted the seeds from “Kaity’s original plant” all over the place! One spot after another has a Moonflower plant. I sat my lawn chair in front of the first blooms, grabbed my coffee cup, and I waited. I cried when I saw the first ones bloom and the aroma suddenly brought back so many memories from last August. Many tears were shed that very first night.

I was sad but also very excited to see them return. I was also a woman on a mission and I had a plan for the Moonflowers! This year, after the flower was finished blooming, I would leave the wilted bloom to hang to see if any of them would miraculously return. I felt the need to scientifically give an answer as to how wilted Moonflowers came back to life!

Night after night I let the previous night’s blooms hang dead. I would go back out in the evening to see new flowers, but also would see the wilted ones from yesterday still hanging dead and ready to be plucked off. All summer I’ve done this and not once did any of the wilted blooms come back to life.

So much for scientifically explaining that incident! Now I’m trying to second guess myself by saying such things as, “Maybe there weren’t wilted flowers there…after all it has been a year and you were grieving and you didn’t write it down so no one will believe you anyway!”

I know what I saw and I know I’m not crazy, so after one year I’m concluding that it had to be a very large sign from Mother to Daughter. Only I would know the pattern of those flowers and only I knew that my wilted Moonflower blooms would not come back to life on their own. They had a little help that year.

…Please don’t go away because there’s a little bit more! After all, don’t you want to hear about what Josh is doing now?

(3rd Entry for Kaity's Anniversary Week)

Kaitlynn’s one year anniversary was much more difficult than I had anticipated. It’s hard to describe the emotions that Brian and I experienced. Just looking at each other brought tears to our eyes because we knew what the other was thinking and feeling.

I store a box of fall flowers in the same closet as my Christmas supplies and I should have used some of the arrangements for Kaity’s gravesite, but after work on Monday the 8th, I traveled to the city to purchase new supplies. I had a cart full of flowers and other grave site decorations and arrived home around 7pm.

We have a “romping room” in our house where we do most our hanging out. You can gain entrance to this room from the back door. “Back door Guests are Best!” We keep a table in this room for company, my computer and desk, a coffee pot and even a small refrigerator that holds soft drinks. We call this room the office, but with as much activity as it gets, it is more like the focal point of our home.

Brian arrived shortly after me on the 8th to find flowers everywhere in the office. I had since dug out the big box of fall flowers I had stored away and also had the new flowers I had just purchased. There were flowers strung everywhere! “Good Grief!” he said as he looked at the orange and yellow colors that filled the room.

We talked for awhile but it was getting late. I was only able to finish the vase arrangements. I wanted to finish the wreath I had purchased but decided to wait until after work on the 9th. I was so tired and emotions were already running ramped so we decided to turn in for the night.

Every single second of August 8th and 9th were filled with thoughts of “Where we were this time last year?” Instead of making a cot and sleeping at the foot of my daughter’s crib, I was instead going to sleep with my husband. As I walked past where Kaity’s bed used to be, I just wanted to stay there. Everything seemed so real, as if it was all happening again.

Brian and I awoke on the 9th and had a little time together before I left for work. We went outside to count how many Moonflowers we would have that night for her anniversary. I walked from plant to plant trying to find blooms that were ready, but I only found ONE flower that was going to bloom. I couldn’t believe that from all the flowers I had planted that we were only going to have one flower! Brian said, “Are you sure there’s only one?”

I sensed his disappointment because the Moonflower beds have grown to be a special oasis for the two of us during our grief so I said, “Yep, one flower for Kaity’s One Year Anniversary! That’s all she needs…one beautiful flower!” As Brian walked me to my car he said, “Wouldn’t it be something if we had 13 flowers tonight?”

All day at work I tried my best to hold my composure. My eyes were swollen from crying myself to sleep the night before and I really did not want to be at work. Donna had left me a single yellow rose on my desk and it was the first thing I found when I arrived. Finding the rose started the tears again and I was asking myself why I had even attempted being there.

It’s difficult to work when you are sad. Co-workers fly past you all giddy. I suppose it did help because once I started working the time did fly by. At lunch, our nurse practitioner stopped me in the parking lot. Since I had just been through surgery she was worried by my disheveled appearance. I explained to her that today was Kaity’s one year anniversary. She said, “Oh honey” and hugged me. That was all it took for tears to start again. Luckily, I only had a few episodes at work and we were so busy that 4:00 came very quickly.

Brian picked me up at work and he had a few errands to run. I kept an eye on the clock and was determined to be home by 4:47. We made it and at the precise time our daughter had passed, we stood in the spot where she had gained her angel wings one year before. With tears streaming down our faces, we stood arm in arm and I said a silent prayer for my daughter. I prayed she would visit us and help to relieve our grief. Mostly I prayed that she would leave a mark that would convince her Daddy that Angels do exist!
 

(4th Journal Entry for Kaitlynn’s Anniversary Week)

August 9, 2005
Once Brian and I had regained our composure I continued working on Kaity’s flowers for her grave site. One set of fall flowers that I really wanted to use was a streamer of leaves. I tried everything to make them look right on Kaity’s vases. I wanted the streamers to drape over and hang down, but no matter what I tried they just didn’t look right. I threw them back in the box and decided to use them somewhere in the house.

The grave looked very nice when we were finished. I put all the remaining flowers in the storage box and shoved it under my desk. Rhonda, George and Josh spent time with us that day and we had a few moments at the grave before we released balloons to heaven in Kaity’s memory. We all went for dinner and before we knew it the day was almost over. It was sad for me because I hadn’t heard from Kaity and my heart was breaking.

As dusk approached we returned home to find she had visited while we were gone! We had not ONE Moonflower, but thirteen!! Thirteen flowers for the thirteen years she had blessed our lives! It was the end of the day but Kaitlynn had finally made an appearance and I was overjoyed. My husband said, “I thought you only counted one flower?!!?!” I just smiled because I knew Kaity had been there. I knew it with all my heart.

Brian said, “Can you believe these flowers???” He was so happy to see thirteen of them, but I still got the impression that he didn’t quite believe it was Kaity. He was still holding onto the fact that it could be “coincidental.”

The next morning (the 10th) we spent time together in the office before I had to go to work. I always get up three hours before I actually have to be there. By getting up early I have a little extra time to catch up on the forum, or like on this particular day, have coffee and visit with my husband.

We had been walking through the office all morning and on our last trip through we found a little surprise sitting in the middle of the office floor. I stopped dead in my tracks and asked Brian, “Did you move that box out in the middle of floor?” He said, “No, I didn’t touch it!”

In the short time that we had traveled from the kitchen back into the office the box of fall decorations that I had placed under my desk had been moved to the center of the floor and the streamer of leaves, that had caused so much aggravation the day before, was lying on the floor beside the box. I knew Kaity had put the box there. She knew it would be an unmistakable sign that she had been there. She would show BOTH of us (not just me) that she was very much a part of our lives. You can imagine my disappointment when my husband said, “Oh honey, THE CAT must have moved it.”

I looked at him as if he was off his rocker and said, “Brian, the box weighs at least 30 pounds. I can see the cat pulling the flower streamer off the box and dragging it to the middle of the floor, but are you really trying to convince me that in the five minutes that we were in the kitchen the cat shoved a thirty pound box three feet across the floor?!??! Kaity moved that box not the cat!! I’ve been telling you that she comes to visit but you won’t believe me!! Unless there was an earthquake that moved this floor and made that box jump three feet…you will never convince me that our fat, lazy, five year old cat has suddenly developed the power of Hercules!”

Dumbfounded at his suggestion I walked to the back door to leave for work and he followed me out. As he shut the door he said, “Be good while I’m gone Kaity!”

Hummm…maybe the old dog is finally starting to believe in Angels!

(5th Journal Entry for Kaity’s Angel Week)

Brian came to pick me up at work later that afternoon. I came through the back door and dropped all my belongings on the table in the office. I had shoved the box of fall decorations back under my desk that morning but I hadn’t really paid attention to the label on the box.

I’ve had this box for about 10 years. I had saved it from one of my Avon shipments. Because of its size I thought it would make a nice storage box. On one side of the box is written “Fall Decorations” in my hand writing. On the other side is a stamped label from Avon. It reads:

Angelic Light Porcelain Angels – Qty 6

Brian followed me in the door and I said, “Honey…read the side of that box!” His mouth just dropped as he looked at me in amazement.

That was just a little extra “something” about our week that I had to share. :)

The Moonflowers continued to put on a show the remainder of Kaity’s Anniversary week. We had never seen so many blooms. Every night we counted them and wrote the totals on our calendar. On a “regular week” we might have seen 10-15, but the flowers were really putting on a huge show! 25, 54, 57! By the end of the week we had over 178 blooms from August 9th – 13th and just like a light that was switched off, by the 14th the show was over. Two flowers…maybe three a night, if we were lucky. The plants had bloomed so much there was nothing left to show!

What an angelic week we had…What a truly awesome show of events! Who could weep after all that? Who could be sad? Once again our spirits were lifted and Kaitlynn reminded us that she’s only a heartbeat away.

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I promised to tell you what Josh is doing, so here is the latest:

A year ago Josh wanted to travel with his Dad, but since he had applied for a local electrical company we nudged him in that direction. Brian knew that Josh was a hard worker but was leery about having his son work in the same company where he was a crew leader. Joshua’s final decision was to work locally but traveling with his Dad and Dufrene Machinery was constantly in the back of his mind.

With gas prices sky rocketing it was costing him $69 a week to fill his Dad’s gas guzzling truck. That’s a lot of money for a 20 year old making $11.00 an hour. In addition to his weekly expenses the electrical company also deducted the price of his tools, his insurance, and his apprenticeship fees. They were not offering him any overtime so for the last several months he simply could not make ends meet.

While discussing the issues of “what to do now,” Brian mentioned to Josh about applying to Dufrene Machinery. At least on the road he would have $30 a day meal allowance and wouldn’t have to buy gasoline or have any other work related expenses! Josh was eager to mail off his resume and he was hired on August 12th.

All of Josh’s life his Dad has always traveled. That meant that Josh was the man of the house 90% the time. He’s always taken care of me and Kaitlynn. After Kaity passed away and Brian went back to work, Josh stepped back up to the plate as being “man of the house” just as he’s done all his life.

It was nothing for him to call me and say, “I’m on my way home from work. Get ready and we will go out to eat.” If he saw my car at the cemetery he would follow me there. If he saw me crying he had to know why and would offer his support. If I was late getting home from work, he would call my cell phone to find out where I was.

Josh and I have spent the last year doing things together that we were never able to do before. We’ve grown so close and that is why I felt it was very important for him to know that it was okay to take this job.

I planned a “sit down talk” that turned out to be very emotional. Because of my tears, half of what I said he probably didn’t comprehend but he listened nonetheless. When I was finished he came over to me and laid his head in my lap and said, “I love you Mom,” and we both shared a few more tears. Once we had our talk he started packing and two hours later he was ready to go.

After living nearly half my life with a traveling man, I’ve grown accustomed to seeing my husband leave, but it was different with Josh. I walked him out to his car, flaunting a fake smile and waving goodbye. I didn’t want him to know what I was dreading the most…

Empty Nest Syndrome!
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Today is September the 7th. I have survived the last few weeks with Josh being gone. The first few nights were pretty rough. Being totally alone at night was really bothering me, but after a few nights it got easier. The house has been very quiet but it has given me time to write and to do things that I wouldn’t normally do with a house full.

Josh has received his first paycheck and was completely flabbergasted that he earned THREE times the amount he was making with his former employer. Not only that, no more buying gas or driving 50 minutes back and forth to work everyday!

I was able to drive to Bowling Green, KY over Labor Day weekend. Both Josh and Brian were working there and I was able to spend a few days with them. Tonight they are driving home and will be here through the weekend. Finally some noise to liven the place up a little!

Thanks to everyone for reading the journal the last few weeks. It was a lot of fun to write and I hope that it touched your heart in some small way.

Love to all,
Jessica