The last few months have been jammed packed for us! Most of my summer and fall has been spent working long hours. I’m currently training towards more management responsibilities. (Our manager quit earlier this year). We currently have 35 employees at the doctor’s office and I’m now doing the scheduling, interviewing, evaluations…etc, etc. It’s been a lot to learn but I’m enjoying my work. This December will be two years since I started working again. Where does time go?

Brian has been just the opposite and has been home at least 8 weeks through the summer and fall!  It has been wonderful having him home. The majority of his time has been spent working on the shed.

Shed seems too simple a word.  Garden retreat is much more fitting!


I had a dream the other night. Typically my dreams are always bizarre enough that they wake me up. Sometimes I will even sleep walk around the house before I realize I was only dreaming. Night before last I woke up (I think I was awake?) and was convinced the night light in the kitchen had suddenly dimmed. My heart was racing and I knew something was wrong. I jumped out of bed and found a candle burning in my office that I had negligently forgotten.

At 1:00 am, fear was suddenly replaced with a huge smile. As I blew out the candle I thanked my guardian angel for watching over me.
_________________________________________________

I miss you everyday Kaity Bug…

This week has been a roller coaster ride for me. Like today at work. I dreaded going in today. I just wanted to stay home and hibernate. I should have been born a bear so I could sleep through winter! My neck is hurting me, which is not helping matters.

At work today I found I was unable to hold back tears. I hate crying at work but once the tears started flowing there was no stopping them. I felt better and was grateful to those who were listening, offering their advice and seemingly trying to understand my inner turmoil.

Back at home on this cold, rainy November day; I feel my spirit is still broken. Kaitlynn was diagnosed on just such a day in November of 1993. It is odd how the weather rakes havoc with my mood. I’m so addicted to the sun. The sun contains magical powers and all those powers plummet right to the ground and grow from the Earth as flowers, green grass and tall trees. The sun creates beauty that fills my day with warmth and radiance.

Now the sky is gray. It is raining…again…and all the beautiful flowers have died on the stalks. Even the leaves from the trees, all of which were beautiful shades of oranges and reds, have fallen to the ground.

To counteract my inevitable feelings of the “gloom of winter,” I started making holiday plans weeks ago. Every Saturday I try to shop for a few Christmas gifts so I don’t find myself juggling my current work load and being overburdened with the last minute Christmas rush. I bought cinnamon scented candles and decorated the house in fall colors, long before the leaves made hint of changing. I figured if it is going to be cold and gray on the outside, I might as well fill my indoor environment with warmth.

The warmth on the inside helps, but once again, I find myself turning to my journal. A place where I can spill my heart into the void, knowing full well that only a select few who read here can possibly understand.

The last few months I’ve been slammed with a heavy heart and feelings of uneasiness. Most of my life, although traumatic as it may seem to some, has been filled with purpose. I felt purpose with Kaitlynn and found comfort knowing that she needed me. I don’t feel like I have found a purpose since she’s been gone. I continue to help MPS families as often as I can, but it’s not the same. It’s as if they too no longer need me and I’ve slowly found myself backing away from them, as if I’m looking in from the outside.

My purpose at work is bothering me more than anything. Will my current work life leave a mark on the world? Should I leave? Will anyone care that I was there? Probably not. I struggle with overwhelming emotions and find myself asking, “Is this where I’m supposed to be? Am I staying in this current life course because it is comfortable or because I have a purpose there?”

I get up every morning before day break. I go to work. I stay there until dark. I come home, work on the forum, answer parent’s emails, go to bed, and do it all again the next day. Almost two years have passed and what have I done? Besides earn a paycheck I can’t really see that I’ve done anything.

Although challenging and sometimes emotionally draining, work has been good for me. After all, staying busy has kept my mind from worrying or being sad about Kaitlynn. But is it what I’m supposed to be doing? For months now I have had the overwhelming feeling that I’m supposed to be doing more, but what is it?

I’ve been doing some deep soul searching the last few months and I ask my friends to pray for me. Pray that whatever it is that is driving me to ask questions or to doubt myself will be resolved. I think God is hoping I will do more, but I’m not sure what it is. Perhaps he is telling me and I’m not listening. Kaitlynn was a huge part of my journey, but I don’t think God is finished with me. I need to know what that “something” is he wants me to do next.

Thank you for visiting here and as always, thank you for your continued support.

With Much Love,
Jessica

After writing in my journal tonight I thought I would visit my guestbook. I hadn’t been there for awhile and I came across an entry left by Eleanor Avinor in July of this year.

It read:

Ready or not, someday it will all come to an end. There will be no more sunrises, no days, no hours or minutes.

All the things you collected, whether treasured or forgotten, will pass to someone else.

Your wealth, fame and temporal power will shrivel to irrelevance. It will not matter what you owned or what you were owed. Your grudges, resentments, frustrations, and jealousies will finally disappear.

So, too, your hopes, ambitions, plans, and to-do lists will all expire. The wins and losses that once seemed so important will fade away. It won't matter where you came from, or on what side of the tracks you lived. It won't matter whether you were beautiful or brilliant. Your gender, skin color, ethnicity will be irrelevant.

So what will matter?

How will the value of your days be measured?

What will matter is not what you bought, but what you built; not what you got, but what you gave. What will matter is not your success, but your significance. What will matter is not what you learned, but what you taught. What will matter is every act of integrity, compassion, courage and sacrifice that enriched, empowered or encouraged others to emulate your example.

What will matter is not your competence, but your character. What will matter is not how many people you knew, but how many will feel a lasting loss when you're gone. What will matter is not your memories, but the memories of those who loved you.

What will matter is how long you will be remembered, by whom and for what.

Living a life that matters doesn't happen by accident.

It's not a matter of circumstance but of choice.

Choose to live a life that matters.
~ by Michael Josephson ~

Funny I should find this entry tonight and not in July...

Thank you for your message Eleanor

________________________________________________

Kaitlynn,
You were my biggest ray of sunshine and I miss you. Sending hugs and much love to heaven...
Mommy

Thursday, December 14, 2006 8:20 AM CST

Christmas hugs for our family and friends that we love dearly!

May you have an angel sitting on your shoulder this holiday season...

Much Love from the Wellman Home!
Brian, Jessica, Josh, Holly and Angel Kaitlynn