Tuesday, August 31, 2004 9:17 PM CDT
Bruce Hawkins took his turn once Art had finished with his opening comments. Bruce is the Chaplain for the police department where I had once been assigned. He’s also the pastor at Marengo Christian Church in Indiana.
Bruce started by reading the three small paragraphs that I had written on Tuesday night. I was disappointed that I was unable to write more for Kaity. I tried numerous times to gather my thoughts and make them into words, but every attempt failed. I was able to write a small message on the front cover of her program, and placed a photo (the one at the top of this journal) which made the front page complete. Bruce read my words to the congregation:
Don’t look at us with sorrow and pain in your face. Don’t turn from us because you fear we are unable to handle the pain. Our spirits have been lifted and we are filled with peace and joy.
On August 9, 2004, I saw my daughter’s soul leave her body and she was carried away by angels. I know that our baby has gone to heaven where she will hurt no more.
Yes, our pain is immense because she is gone, but we grieve for ourselves, not for her. Many years we spent caring for Kaitlynn and keeping her from pain. Sometimes we were successful other times we held her hand and helped her through, but our joy comes from knowing our baby is now an angel, and we are rejoicing that she is free.
I had chosen Bruce as a speaker because of his powerful, uplifting spirit. He seems to find joy in everything, even at the bleakest of moments. He continued to say a few words and read scripture. He introduced the music that would be played and made my request that people not only listened to the music but heard the words as well.
The following songs were dedicated to Kaitlynn and the lyrics to each song were typed in entirety and added to her program:
Click
here for the lyrics to the songs played.
There was a closing prayer and family members and friends filed by us to offer their final condolences. There was not a person in the church that had a dry eye. It did my heart good to know Kaitlynn had touched so many lives.
Brian and I were left alone with Kaity to make sure she was covered and all her photos were arranged the way we wanted. We left the church and joined the line of vehicles that would go to her final resting place.
Officer Dale Satterfield blocked traffic on the highway and the funeral precession was led by my fellow officers who used their patrol lights as a tribute to Kaitlynn. The first to lead was Chief Gilley, followed by Chief Saylor, Officer Denise Gianfala, and Officer Joe Murdock. Kaitlynn was next in line in the hearse and her family and friends followed…
Friday, September 3, 2004 11:44 AM CDT
Once arriving at the graveside the family took the seats that were provided beside Kaity. Bruce read a short scripture and said a prayer and then it was time for the butterflies to be released.
Brian and I had 25 beautiful Monarchs shipped in on dry ice from California. We were given the idea from Art and Cindy Holbert who did the exact same thing for Moriah when she died in May. I loved the idea and I loved the poem so we decided to do the same for Kaity.
Twenty five participants were given a triangular shaped envelope which contained a dormant Monarch butterfly. Holding onto the edges of the envelope, the sun's heat began to awake the beautiful insects. Once the envelope was opened they fluttered all about us and were free from their icy refuge.
As I held mine up to the sun it began to flutter in the envelope immediately. I was so thrilled watching it beat around inside the paper, begging me to set it free. On the count of three we opened them and away they flew!
"A butterfly lights beside us like a sunbeam. And for a brief moment its glory and beauty belongs to the world. But then it flies once again, and though we wish it could have stayed, we feel so lucky to have seen it."
As you release this butterfly in honor of me, know that I'm with you and always will be. Hold a hand, say a prayer, close your eyes and see me there. Although you may feel a bit torn apart, please know that I'll forever be in your heart. Now fly away butterfly as high as you can go, I'm right there with you more than you know.
Where I have gone I am not so small. My soul is as wide as the world is tall. I have gone to answer the call, the call of the one who takes care of us all. Wherever you look, you will find me there-in the heart of a rose, in the heart of a prayer.
On butterlies' wings, on wings of my own, to you, I'm gone, but I'm never alone--I'm over the moon.
I...AM...HOME!
Saturday, September 4, 2004 10:05 PM CDT
After the funeral, the congregation returned to the church where a dinner was being served. I don't remember much about the event, other than sitting at a table with Brian and trying to eat. Knowing that dirt was being thrown on my daughter did nothing but put a lump in my throat and made swallowing all the more difficult. I tried to push the image from my mind and greet family and friends the best I could.
After dinner at the church we made our way back to the house where coffee and desserts were being served. The cemetery, where Kaitlynn was laid to rest, can be seen from our home. I glanced in that area often, but her grave is blocked by a hillside.
At 4:47pm, the exact time that Kaitlynn had died, family and friends released balloons in her honor. We wrote special messages on each balloon in hopes our messages would reach heaven. It was wonderful to see the MPS families participating in the event.
As the day progressed people began to leave and just before sunset, Brian and I were left alone. I was reluctant to go to the cemetery, but we eventually went just before dark. We did okay on our first visit...much better than I thought we would do! My second visit a few days later was not as peaceful. I was alone on that particular day and wept until I had no tears left. Knowing she was buried was bothering me and I suddenly felt the urge to have someone dig her back up...and quickly! I knew that wasn't possible but it did cross my mind.
I finally picked myself up from the ground, begging myself to not remember her there, but to remember her in my heart. From that day forward, I have reminded myself daily that she is not in the grave and that her spirit is alive and well. She is not in the ground but is amongst her fellow MPS angels. I cleaned up all the flowers that were dying on her grave and took them to the dumpster at the house. I have not been back to the grave since that day.
Hopefully I will be able to return soon.
My brother, Todd and his wife, Julia drove to Indiana the week of August 23rd with their four children. On Tuesday, August 24th, a maple tree was donated by my husband's company, Dufrene Machinery, Inc. The nursery brought the tree to the house and planted it for us. Todd and his family watched the hole being dug and we all tossed in dirt in remembrance of Kaity.
I tied a pretty pink bow around the tree that Priscilla (a fellow MPS Mom)
had sent on a bouquet of flowers. The bow still remains there for all to
see.
I feel very close to this little tree and I hope it grows tall and sturdy in remembrance of Kaitlynn.
Sunday, September 5, 2004 8:46 PM CDT
I decided to travel with my husband this week. He is a Millwright and his job takes him on many locations across the nation. I wasn't quite ready to be left alone at the house, but on the other hand I was reluctant to leave. This is Brian's first traveling job since Kaity died, so I decided to pack up and drive the eight hour trip with him to a little town in Houston, Mississippi. As the rain pours down on the hotel, I'm suddenly at a loss as to what I should write next.
Many people have written to me saying they read this journal daily. I have a few MPS parents who write or call checking on the status of our family and how we are doing since Kaity died. I'm so happy I have my friends and hopefully I will find the words that may offer comfort or give knowledge to someone reading.
Before Kaity died, I feared "avoidance." Isn't that what normally happens...avoidance? People turn from you in fear that you do not want to talk about your child. I think the fear lies within the outside world and not the grieving families. I can't imagine not talking about Kaity and I'm so relieved when someone mentions her name. I asked my husband Brian, "Is Kaity the first thing you think of when you awake, and the last thing to cross your mind before sleep?"
"Yes it is." he replied.
It was nice to learn I wasn't alone in my feelings.
Remember the little book I read a few weeks ago titled, "Good Grief?" In it, the author makes comment about how our Society is one of the last in the world to have a "grieving time." He said the last president to wear a black arm band was Franklin Roosevelt.
A small portion of his book, and my most favorite part, is on the subject of "returning to normal" after a death in the family. He writes:
...This is particularly true in the loss of a loved one through death. When many of us were children, people grieved more openly. The men wore black armbands and the women wore black veils for six months to a year while in mourning for a loved one, so that everyone was
reminded daily of their loss.
One of the last public personages to wear a black armband was President Franklin Roosevelt at the death of his mother. In some parts of Europe people continue to wear symbols of grieving. But we somehow have the impression that grief is out of place in our society. We conduct a quiet conspiracy of silence against it. We try never to talk about grief, and certainly never display it by any outward sign. We offer our sympathy to our grieving friends immediately after their loss has occurred, but from then on we say in effect, "Now let's get back to business as usual again."
~~Excerpt by Granger E. Westberg Author of "Good Grief."
Isn't that the truth? People get back to life as normal. Everyone except the family who has buried a child. Suddenly their lives are no longer "normal." Not exactly filled with tears and wallowing in the Wellman home, but not
normal either.
I have one MPS Mom I've grown quite fond of. She's not afraid to call me, nor is she afraid to ask questions. I asked her one day why she felt compelled to continue her phone calls and letters when most would turn away. She said, "I have to be here for you...I'm not sure why...I just have to be."
One day she asked, "Isn't it strange going places and doing things without Kaity?"
Her curiosity has been a God send to me. She keeps me talking about Kaity and she lets me know that my daughter is not forgotten. I replied, "Yes indeed it is strange...I feel like I'm walking out of the house and leaving my right arm behind!"
It took me a whole 30 minutes to pack for the Mississippi adventure. It would have taken hours to get Kaity ready for a trip. By the time all the diapers, food supplements, medicines and other necessities are packed, the trunk alone would house all her belongings. Brian and I would squeeze our items in the back seat!
What now for this trip? One suitcase? It just doesn't feel normal. It was very hard for me to leave the house this past Thursday. I felt like I was abandoning her memory and her spirit. Fortunately she made the long trip with me, buried not in the ground, but deep in my heart...
Monday, September 6, 2004 9:59 PM CDT
Only four days into my "journey from home" and I'm already feeling home sick. I'm not really bored...I've been too busy with thank you cards, writing in my journal, and talking to friends to be bored...just home sick.
I feel closer to Kaitlynn at home. She has been gone for 28 days. It seems more like yesterday and it is hard to grasp that almost an entire month has lapsed. As each day passes I miss her more. I thought the "missing" part was supposed to get easier but it's not. As the thirteen year old roller coaster ride begins to slow down and you are asked to disembark, you stand on the ramp wondering, what the heck now? How am I supposed to feel? Where do I go? What do I do?
It's a bit scary because my life revolved around my daughter for many years. She was always the center of my universe and now she's no longer there. I suppose these answers will come to me in time. Perhaps I will learn to spend my life doing work for others and allowing Kaitlynn to live through me.
The day before we left for Mississippi, Pastor Jim from Hospice made his final visit. He said, "Now is the time Hospice begins to back away and let you have your space." In other words, the ride is now over, please find the nearest exit ramp. :) I guess I can always call him if I need to talk, but this was his last scheduled visit and I will miss him.
I knew that our conversation would eventually go back to the day Kaity had died. Jim was as moved by the events as I was. I told him I had tried my best to write about how I felt and what I saw, but it's like describing the colors of a rainbow. Unless you see it for yourself, any description in written form will never suffice.
He told me that he also felt compelled to write about Kaitlynn's death. I wish he would! Perhaps reading his description would help me to tie everything together. He told me that many times he's seen children hooked to machines and die in hospital beds, but Kaitlynn's death was much different. "She was swaddled in a blanket, being held by her mother in a rocking chair. Who could ask for things to be any different?"
When Jim speaks of Kaitlynn's death you can hear the passion in his tone. I think it was meant for him to be there and to feel the love that enveloped her bedroom room on that sunny Monday afternoon. Perhaps one day I can convince Jim to write at least one page to share with the readers visiting this site. It would do my heart good to have his words of wisdom to cherish in the years to come.
Monday, September 13, 2004 5:39 AM CDT
While in Mississippi, I spent the majority of the time working on Kaitlynn’s thank you cards. After three trips to the post office and 120 stamps, I am almost finished. I still have a few last minute cards to send out but the bulk of it is over!
There was no way I could mail everyone that visited the funeral home, but I did try to mail those who sent flowers, food, or made a donation. Wouldn’t it be nice if the floral shops put the sender’s address on the back of the flower cards? The most difficult task has been finding addresses! I think the “after funeral” formalities are designed to be difficult to keep the family member busy. At least that’s the only conclusion I can come to!
After day three of being cooped up in a hotel room I escaped to venture around town. By the time I left Mississippi I had attended the Southern Baptist Church of Houston and visited many shop owners, all of whom I talked to for hours! I wanted to have lunch with the owner of the Hallmark store, Sue, but unfortunately our trip was cut short and I could not meet with her.
The day Sue and I met we talked mostly about the economy and how bad things have become for small business owners. Just like me, she is being forced to close shop. While we talked, I looked through the remaining items in her store. I found a journal that contained days of the week, but was not set for any particular year. I thought it would be handy to write down my thoughts as the week progresses, helping to make Monday’s journal entries a little easier.
Everything in the store was 40%
off and yet I debated whether or not I even needed the book. I turned to August 9th, which was the day Kaity passed away. For those who may not know, Kaity lost her vision at age five.
The verse read:
“The Lord gives sight to the blind, the Lord lifts up those who are bowed down, the Lord loves the righteous.”
Psalm 146:8
I had to buy the book after reading the scripture. A surge of joy swept over me and I shared the verse with the shop owner. That was the first time I had ever read a Bible verse to a total stranger. I was so grateful for all the little messages that God keeps putting in my path.
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Sunday, September 12th was a very emotional day for me and Brian. We started cleaning our house back in the spring in preparations for a huge yard sale. We are hoping to use the money from the sale to assist in our trip to Disney for the MPS conference in December. After Kaity got sick the yard sale was put on hold.
Yesterday we resumed preparations where we had left off in the spring. We started pricing Kaity’s toys, clothes and other belongings. The toys had been boxed for years, but pricing them and actually getting rid of them, was much more difficult than I ever anticipated.
I cried more trying to price yard sale items than I’ve done during this whole entire ordeal. It was difficult because I felt as if I was packing her things and asking her to leave. Going through her room and her belongings has been the hardest thing I’ve done so far. It was absolutely heart wrenching.
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A friend and fellow MPS Mom is traveling from Rochester, NY to visit with our family this week! I’ll let you know in my next entry how our visit went. This will be the third time Debbie and I have met and we will see each other again at Disney in December.
I’ll be back again next Monday. I hope that each of you have a wonderful week and once again thank you for your continued support. Please keep
Love to all,
Jessica
***Dear Sweet Kaity in Heaven…I miss you terribly. When I get sad I just remember the signs that I have been given...Signs that have proven to me that you are alive and well. I love you and miss you very much. ~Mommy
Monday, September 20, 2004 5:00 PM CDT
This has been a crazy week and I’m now asking myself, “Will things ever slow down?” On the other hand if things slow down I fear reality will strike and I’m not sure I’m ready for that either. On quiet days grief consumes my every waking moment so maybe it is better that I'm staying busy most of the time.
I guess that sounds mixed up and emotional, but hey...I have a right to be
mixed up and emotional right now.
A friend and fellow MPS mom, Debbie Vanderpool, came to visit this week! She was only in town for a few days but we made the best of the time we had. She, Aunt Rhonda and I got together both nights for chatting, walking and dinners. We are looking forward to seeing her again at the December conference. Thank you for coming to visit us Debbie!
On Wednesday, after Debbie left and returned to New York, Brian and I continued with the yard sale items. It took us two days to price everything and load it all into a trailer. We hauled the items 20 minutes down the road to a prime yard sale location. After all the work was done I told Brian that we better make at least 3 or 4 hundred dollars! We well surpassed that amount and took in a little over $1,600!
The money was supposed to be used for the upcoming Disney trip but last Wednesday we started pricing a headstone for Kaitlynn and it looks like much of what we earned will go towards her monument. The one I have picked out is much more expensive than I had planned. I was hoping since her funeral costs were taken care of (by an angel) that the remaining life insurance policy would cover the headstone, but that is not the way it is working out!
Since Kaitlynn’s grave lies between me and Brian, we decided to buy one large headstone instead of three individual ones. Because we are purchasing one large stone, the price is much higher, but is still much cheaper than buying three individual markers. I hope it will look nice and at least Brian and I will be taken care of so our family will not have that added burden.
A rather boring week but extremely busy. Starting tomorrow I’ll be working on my trip to California where I finally get to meet my Sweet Miss Smilie! We are all attending Tami Slawson’s MPS Walk/Run in Los Angeles and I simply cannot wait to meet everyone!
Have a great week and prayers and hugs to everyone!
Jessica
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Dear Sweet Kaity Bug,
Mommy and Daddy sorted through all of your belongings this past week. We cried so many times and we missed you desperately! We kept quite a few items...mostly the toys that were very special to you...the rest we sold to help pay for your beautiful memorial.
There was a little girl at the yard sale that was about four years old. She
had blonde hair just like you did. She was so excited because her Mommy
bought your doll house! She skipped all the way to the car and couldn’t wait
to get home! I was beaming when she left and I told her I hope she enjoyed
the house! She was so adorable! I was very happy that a pretty, blonde
haired girl was going to have just as much fun with that toy as you did!
I love you and miss you angel...Mommy
Monday, September 27, 2004 8:06 AM CDT
Please pray for
Baby Jordan’s family. He passed away after an Unrelated Cord Blood Transplant for Hunter’s (MPS Type 2). He was born October 29th, 2002 and gained his angel wings this Sunday, September 26, 2004. He was just shy of his second birthday.Please keep his family in your prayers.
Good news this week! Not only was the sale we had last weekend a success, I decided to try it one more time here at the house. Normally it doesn’t do well in this location, but I advertised “hunting supplies” on my yard sale sign and people came in droves! We did almost the same total that we did last weekend!
Between both sales I will now be able to buy Kaitlynn’s headstone AND pay for our trip to Disney World in December!! This family has been well taken care of and only God is to thank for that.
Brian left Thursday morning for Philadelphia. He will be gone three weeks. Being alone the first few nights was very difficult. Josh was also away. The silence of the night was deafening. The first night I awoke having a horrible dream that Brian was gone. I reached across the bed to find my dream was confirmed. I was panicked until I was awake and could remember he was working. This is our first time alone since Kaity died.
It is difficult knowing that life goes on…
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Our pastor at church Sunday morning had a good sermon. Two weeks ago the pastor’s sister and brother-in-law were involved in a tragic motorcycling accident. His sister is now in rehabilitation, but his brother-in-law is still in I.C.U. in a coma.
The pastor’s family has suddenly been rocked unstable by the tragedy. If you are caring for a sick child I’m sure nothing I say is new to you, but to this family…it is new.
His sermon was based on how, in an instant, we can be taken from this world and how every second should be precious to us. The accident was a realization for the pastor and his family.
Of course I’m listening to him and thinking to myself, Yes! Life is short and it is a shame that it takes a tragedy for people to realize it. I had my realization factor 11 years ago when my daughter was diagnosed at the age of 2 years. Suddenly nothing else in life seemed important.
Luckily, I’ve retained that memory and I do realize how precious life is. I told my girlfriend on the way out of church, “It is a shame that tragedy is what it takes to open our eyes. What is worse…the pastor could talk until he’s blue in the face, but until you’ve walked the path of tragedy you will not take the time to listen to what he has to say.”
People might
listen, but whether or not they
hear is a different story.
Love to all those who have a heavy heart this week. May you find strength to continue in your battle.
Prayers,
Jessica
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Dearest Kaity,
I miss you lady bug. I haven’t had any signs lately assuring me you are okay. I know you are happy and well, but that doesn’t make missing you any easier. Aunt Becca brought me a Shepherd’s hook so I can hang flowers over your grave. I will be so happy when your monument arrives.
I love you baby,
Mommy
Monday, October 4, 2004 9:09 PM CDT
Last week I talked about how I missed the signs I was receiving from Kaity which were assuring me that she was doing okay. A friend of mine, Priscilla, wrote to me shortly after I posted and what she said in her email really helped me. Perhaps it will also help someone else who is currently walking the same path.
She wrote:
Hi Jessica ~
I've been thinking over what you said on Kaity's journal, about not seeing any signs lately assuring you she is ok (although I know that you know she is safe and happy and in loving arms). You saw and felt so very many angel experiences at the time of Kaity's ascent to heaven. Other's had similar experiences, myself included. I believe these signs of heaven are there for all who watch for them...many miss them, or shrug them off as simply unexplainable.
Jesus came just once...and He performed miracles...and He was a great teacher. Now, we are to love Him and believe in Him on faith. He is not on earth as a man anymore, but He left His "signs". Kaity left her signs as well...and maybe we are not supposed to get those signs on a regular basis, lest we grow used to them and take them for granted. You will receive more signs from Kaity...the first were swift and awesome to help with your immediate grief. Be ever watchful, as I know you are. I also am waiting for Kaity's next sign as I need the peace it brings to know our children are safe and loved ~ Priscilla
~Thank you for always being there Priscilla
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I had been upset that Kaity’s
gravesite was bare. Hopefully the headstone will be placed in time for her
birthday in April. To help the situation I made her a basket to hang on a
shepherd’s hook and purchased a purple, butterfly wind chime. It helped
tremendously and visiting her grave is much easier now.
I’m currently working on a new web-site for myself which has been a great stress relief! As soon as I’m finished I’ll leave the link in my journal so anyone interested can browse.
Friday I had lunch with one of my Hospice counselors. I really enjoyed our conversation. She has also lost a child so relating to each other is easily done. Saturday I worked the entire day on Kaity’s poster. I will be taking it to the MPS Walk/Run in Los Angeles. (October 16th). The poster is beautiful and I found it remarkable that no matter what I cut or what I added, everything came out perfect on the first attempt. Anyone who scrapbooks knows how difficult that can be!
Sunday my girlfriend Donna and I spent our very first day out shopping for clothes. In the past we occasionally had the opportunity to get together, but not for great lengths at a time and never to shop! For the first time in our friendship we were able to go out and not feel rushed. It was a wonderful day. My son Josh clicked this photo before we took off on our shopping excursion. Photo of Donna ( Lt) and Jess (Rt)
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This week has been a rather emotional one for me. I feel an extremely strong weight on my heart. I miss Kaity immensely. I’m not sure if it is because Brian is gone, or if reality is finally setting in. This is Brian’s first big trip since April and he will be gone three weeks. I miss him very much AND I miss Kaity so I feel as if I’m getting a double whammy.
I was hoping to fly to Philadelphia and break up the three week absence, but it’s not going to work out as planned. This Saturday and Sunday I have two fund raiser events to attend and then again next weekend with the trip to California.
The only thing I can do is keep myself busy. I stay busy from daylight to dark. Idle mind and hands can be a torturous situation!
Love to all my friends and thank you for reading this journal. It means a great deal to me. Please remember to keep Baby Jordan’s Family in your prayers...
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Dearest Kaity Bug,
Thank you for helping me prepare the poster for the MPS Walk. I know it was you that made sure the poster was absolutely beautiful!
I feel a strong need to hold you again. The last few weeks of your life are so vivid in my memory. Rocking and listening to your favorite lullabies and hymnals…I miss that very special time. I’m so happy that I was given those moments and I will cherish the memories forever.
You were my light Kaity and right now I feel as if my light has been blown out…I pray I will find the spark to refuel the flame.
Monday October 11, 2004
The sun did rise and I made it though my horrible day. Saturday, Rhonda and I attended a 3 mile walk in Louisville, KY to support Breast Cancer. It was a huge event! There were over 7,000 walkers/runners in the marathon.
Afterwards we traveled to Columbus, Ohio and stayed the night so we would be there bright and early for Andrew Cochenour’s MPS Walk/Run. We had made plans with the Holbert family that evening and were heart broken when they could not meet with us, so instead George, Rhonda, and myself went to dinner and rode around the town for a short while and returned to the hotel to watch T.V.
Sunday morning we arrived at the walk and were delighted to see our fellow MPS families. I was able to meet some new members from the forum and fell in love with all their children. Much fun was had by all. (Pictures to follow).
We returned home Sunday afternoon and I will spend this week preparing for the MPS Walk/Run in LaVerne, California. I simply cannot wait to meet Tami, Jacob, Sammie, Jenn, Alli, Ashley and all the family members that will be in attendance!
4 more days girls!!!!!
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Kaity,
I miss you desperately. Remember how many times I would stop during the day to kiss your eyes and cheeks? I miss kissing you so much. Andrew Cochenour gave me many hugs and kisses this weekend in your place! Please send your angels down to watch over him and all the other MPS children as well. You are a very special angel and I know you are standing guard over all of us…
Monday, October 11, 2004 7:10 AM CDT
I awoke this morning determined to get a few jobs done around the house, work that has been put on hold for years. Between running the store and caring for Kaity, many things in the house have paid the consequences. The deck needs painting, outside doors need repair, the garage needs cleaned, flower beds need tending.
Until now, I didn’t have the time or the energy to keep the house operational. I suppose I will eventually get tired of running here, there and everywhere. I suppose eventually every closet in the house will be clean and every window shined to perfection. In the meantime, I will continue to locate and remove dust bunnies until I determine which path my life will take next.
Some days my thoughts are filled with questions about my future. Will I be a student? Will I work at Wal-mart as a Greeter? Will I work as a Gardener? It’s sad to be almost 40 years old and have absolutely no idea what to do next. The entire world is at my disposal, but yet I have no idea how to utilize it. I think that I would like to help people, somehow, but I’m just not sure how that will happen.
I’ve been told it wise not to make any life altering changes in the first year of grief. I can handle that. A year off to think, to paint walls, to travel, to clean closets, and shop with my girlfriend…I can do that.
If it weren’t for the grieving part day in and day out, it would be the perfect vacation.
I have checked my mailbox every single day waiting for a quarterly magazine, called Courage that is published by the National MPS Society. This week on the forum everyone is vying for their issue and the race is on to see who gets theirs first, or last, for some unlucky chap. I have checked the mail daily since last Thursday, but no Courage yet.
I started painting the outside doors today. I want to get them finished before cold weather arrives, but I first had to make a trip to the hardware store. I always go to the old Ace Hardware downtown instead of Wal-mart. Ace hardware has everything, including old wood floors and bins full of garden seeds. Everything is crammed into a small space hardly bigger than my home. You need a map to find whatever you’re looking for. Even so, it beats the dreaded Wal-mart where standing in line is a mandatory 20 minute wait.
I made my painting material purchases and rushed home to get started. By 10am I was slopping paint everywhere but on the doors. It was quiet most of the day. I stopped for lunch and pondered going to the mailbox to see if my Courage had arrived and then decided to continue the painting instead.
Just before dark I had the doors painted and the white trim on the deck looking shiny and new. I cleaned my brushes and thought I had better check the mail before it was too dark to make it down the driveway. I opened the mailbox and was so excited to see my Courage had finally arrived! Along with Courage there was a brand new directory of all my MPS friends.
I rushed to the house, put on a fresh pot of coffee, slipped in to my comfortable clothes and lit a candle…all in preparations for a relaxing glimpse at the long awaited issue!
To my dismay my excitement turned to tears after reading our names in the new directory.
Wellman, Brian and Jessica
Parents of Kaitlynn Wellman
DOB: 4-3-91
DOB: 8-9-2004
I’ve been receiving Courage Issues and Directories for the last eleven years. I anxiously await every single issue and have collected them all as priceless treasures. This particular entry caught me off guard. Seeing your child’s name in print along with their date of death just makes it all seem so real.
As if I didn’t realize it was all real? Almost two months have passed since Kaity died and I keep waiting for the reality to hit me. Each day that passes brings a little more pain, as if reality is saying, “You can run, but you cannot hide.”
I made it through the directory and turned my attention to the Courage Issue. There was her name along with the names of eight other fallen MPS children. Volume 28, Fall 2004 Issue, page 9, Kaitlynn, “Kaity” Marie Wellman, 13 MPS 1. I’ve read this section of Courage for years. Always dreading seeing whose child was going to be listed next.
”How old were they? Is Kaitlynn close to their age? Oh how sad…I dread the day my daughter’s name is listed there…”
Even though I missed writing an obituary for this issue (Kaity died after it was in print) I knew that my interview for the “Volunteer Spotlight” would be in there. I had read it several times already but hadn’t read it since Kaity died. At the very bottom of the interview it read: “Editors Note: It is with great sadness that Kaity passed away (8-9-04) after Jessica gave this interview.
Uh Oh…back to crying again.
I never dreamed this issue would be so difficult to swallow. This has been an unexpected emotional day for me. I miss my husband terribly. When I tried to call him and explain why I was upset, he was at work and couldn’t hear me over the loud machinery. I feel very alone right now and I can’t wait until the sun comes back up tomorrow.
Monday, October 18, 2004 9:20 PM CDT
After back surgery I stopped walking which has been five years ago! I had tried walking since then but every time I did it caused pain in my back and hips so I would not continue. I decided to try again and I’ve finally reached my three mile a day goal. I’m doing more hiking now than walking because I’ve added some extremely steep hills. I’ve already lost four pounds and went down a size around the waist!
I also joined the YMCA and am now swimming after I walk. It’s been years since I was able to go to the pool. It feels wonderful finally taking care of myself for a change. I also scheduled a long over due appointment with a doctor. I have put my own health on hold for far too long. I have a pituitary tumor that was found about four years ago. I’m supposed to have an MRI twice a year and I simply haven’t done it.
The tumor should be checked periodically to make sure it does not increase in size. There is only a small chance of that ever happening, but if it does, it could cause instant vision loss. I’m not returning to my regular practitioner. Instead I will be seeing a specialist, which is something I should have done years ago. Hopefully this doctor will be able to help the hormonal errors that occur because of this tumor. I made the appointment for October 18th. I’m also going to see if he will schedule a mammogram since breast cancer runs in my family.
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This past Friday (October 15th) I traveled to Ontario, California for Tami Slawson’s Walk/Run for MPS. I was finally able to meet Jennifer, Ashley and Allison (Miss Smilie) who is 3 years old with Hurler’s.
I was amazed at Alli’s progress since she started Enzyme Replacement Therapy one year ago. She was doing things that Kaitlynn would never have done. Things such as climbing up steep ladders and going down the sliding board with no assistance. Her speech was incredible. Although Kaitlynn could also talk she didn’t speak nearly as clear as Allison nor did she have the extended vocabulary that she has.
She was an incredible little girl as was her Mommy, Jennifer and her big sister, Ashley. We had a wonderful time together. We had a very busy, and very short time in California so each hour was spent running errands and getting ready for the walk on Saturday.
There were about 18 MPS families in attendance and we had a wonderful time meeting so many new people. There were also quite a few forum families there and it was nice to put faces to the names!
On Sunday we spent our remaining time allowing Alli to be my entertainment while Jenn packed. I knew seeing her leave was going to be difficult. The whole trip was “bittersweet.” It was as if I was thrown back in time and given a precious gift from meeting Alli. She and Jenn are so dear to me. Even though their departure broke my heart, I would do the whole weekend over again! My poor husband has heard nothing but how wonderful my trip was.
Thank you to all the families for making my time so special. I will post pictures later in the week so check back on Wednesday or Thursday to see them!
"Learning to take Photos!"
Jessica and Alli in Ontario, CA
October 16th, 2004
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Thank you for continuing to visit and signing Kaity’s guestbook. There is someone named Beth who has signed twice! She lives very close to us but is not leaving her email address. So, I’ll just say thank you here for your kind words and support. It is deeply appreciated!
~Jessica
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Updated October 22nd to add photos.
There are two albums to view. One from Andrew's Walk in Ohio and the other from the California Walk, Tami Slawson's event!
